the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
