3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
