I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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