CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
