I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
