i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He better not be in your backpack
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
