I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
