im having a threesome with these popsicles
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
