Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
