New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
