no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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