just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i already hear my dad disowning me
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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