You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
