Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
