Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
