i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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