i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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