so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
