yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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