This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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