I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
