..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
