thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
