So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
