hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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