At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
