i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
