You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
