I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
