A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
