when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
