so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
fuck your aforementioned shoe
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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