I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
no, he came in my armpit
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
