it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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