bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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