So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
