Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
