Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
