I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
