cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Terrible idea I love it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
