I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I am mentally ready for anal.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
