Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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