If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
