it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
