I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
