When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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