Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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