you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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