if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm getting married
To pizza
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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