I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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