I will die if light touches me.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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