The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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